Battle of Royal Woods (Genderbent)

[The episode starts at the mall, where Lexx and Leif are trying on shirts]

Leif: Where's your best twin now, Lexx? [giggles]

Lexx: Well, according to this T shirt, it says my best twin is right here. [tickles Leif, making him laugh]

Leif: [jumps to the other side of him] How about now?

Lexx: [flips upside down with the arrow pointing to Leif] Right by my side. [both laugh] Wow, clothing that announces our feelings for each other. [sniffs] Let's get them, Leif.

Milena: Can I help you boys?

Lexx: I believe you can. My twin and I would like to purchase... [Leif starts crying] Leif, why are you crying?

Leif: You...found a best twin.

Lexx: Oh, what are you... [sees his shirt point to Milena next to him and screams] Wait, no, this isn't what it looks like! [Leif keeps crying] Leif, look out, behind you!

Claire: Excuse me, but does this come in...

Leif: Noooo! You're not my best twin!

Lexx: We’ve gotta ditch these outfits! They're sending out the wrong signals! [They tear off their shirts and stomp on them; they soon get kicked out of the mall]

Lexx: We need outfits to show our best twinliness, Leif.

Leif: You mean like those guys? [points to some men and boys dressed up in red and blue uniforms]

Lexx: Yeah, just like those guys. [walks to where they are] [sighs] Outfits like these really make a statement.

Leif: Look at these guys.

Lexx: Wow! I like that one. Hey, Steven, where did you and your friends get your matching outfits?

Steven: Oh, no, these aren't my friends. In fact, I hate just about everyone here, but my love for historical battles is so great, I join these losers every year to re-enact the battle of Royal Woods.

Lexx: There was a battle of Royal Woods? [Leif gasp in shock]

Leif: Well, duh, Lexx. It's only the most significant event in Royal Woods history! A long time ago, the town was divided into 2 groups [shows flashback of a Colonial version of Loni washing his hands] Those who spent all their time washing their hands like softies... [shows his clean hands]

Colonial Loni: Clean as a whistle!

Leif: And those who had more important things to do with their time. [a Colonial version of Leif comes out of a bathroom with filthy hands]

Colonial Leif: That looks good to me. [walks away]

Colonial Loni: That is literally disgusting!

Colonial Leif: [comes back after hearing that] Oh, yeah?

Colonial Loni: You can't go around our town touching things with those filthy mitts!

Colonial Leif: Oh, yeah?!

Colonial Loni: Yes! [Leif slaps her with a glove and they begin fighting; a battleground is shown, with one cannon being filled with filth, and the other with soap bars]

Red Group: Wash your hands!

Blue Group: Never! [the battle begins with the groups firing at each other. Flashback ends]

Leif: And that's how we won our right to wash as we please. [he shows him filthy hands]

Steven: [disgusted] Ugh, that's not what happened. [walks away]

Lexx: You don't wash your hands, Leif?

Leif: Never have, never will.

Lexx: [disgusted] Blech!

Leif: Does that bother you, huh, Lexx? [flashback starts] They only had one ice cream cone. [has a scoop of ice cream in him hand]

Lexx: That's okay. Thank you, Leif. [licks it off Leif's hand. another flashback, with them eating at a restaurant. swallows food] So, anyway, I said...

Leif: [interrupts] Oh, wait. You've got something on your tongue.

Lexx: Really?

Leif: Here, I'll get it. [grabs Lexx's tongue and takes a piece of meat off it]

Lexx: Thank you. [flashback ends] Frankly, yes, Lana, that does bother me.

Leif: Well, then I guess we can't be twins anymore.

Lexx: What are you saying, Leif?

Leif: Ugh, do I have to spell it out for you? [Licks him hand and writes on a brick wall] U... R... uh... How do you spell "not my brother"?

Lexx: Oh, come on, we can work this out. We'll start a new life, just you, me, and this can of disinfectant spray. [sprays all around him, making a spray house] Come on in, Leif. Here, let me take your hat for you. [takes off Leif's hat, which reveals filth on his head]

Leif: No, thank you. [Pulls Lexx back toward his by the hand and takes back his hat] I happen to like my various smells and germs.

Lexx: But being clean is so much better.

Leif: Well, says you. I like dirty.

Lexx: Clean!

Leif: Dirty!

Lexx: Clean!

[Boy Jordan and Monty dressed up in red and blue uniforms approaches them]

Boy Jordan: Uh, excuse us, guys, but we have a battle to re-enact.

Lexx: Fine, if that's how it is, then [tears off Monty's red outfit] I am joining the other side!

Leif: [tears off Boy Jordan's blue outfit] Fine, me too!

Boy Jordan: Oh, come on! Let's go play somewhere else.

[cuts to Leif looking through binoculars; Lexx sneaks up on him and gets his hat]

Lexx: Ha! Got your hat!

Leif: Hey, give it back!

Lexx: Not until you wash your hands!

Leif: Oh, yeah? Well [takes Lexx's tiara] I got your crown! [giggles as he runs with them] Huh? [but he soon sees that it's a bomb, which squirt water out. Lexx puts on his spare crown and laughs.]

[cuts to scene where Leif has a cannon and she blasts his pet snails at Lexx like a cannonball]

Lexx: Ah! Eww, snail slime!

Leif: Thanks for the help, guys. [Leif's snails then slither away] Do you give up yet?

Lexx: Sorry, Leif [wipes himself off], but a filthy slob like you is no match for a clean-cut fellow like me.

Leif: Your cape are falling down.

Lexx: Really?

Leif: Here, I'll help you. [he gets behind Leif and fills the inside of the crown with dirt before pulling it over her head]

Lexx: Satisfied?

Leif: There, you look good now.

Lexx: You could use a makeover, though. Ugh, look at those feet.

Leif: Why, what's wrong with them? [Lana shows her feet and her shoes are filthy.]

Lexx: Don't worry, I'll take care of it. [he jumped on Leif and began giving him a pedicure on his feet]

Leif: No! Not a pedicure! [screams] No, no, not that, anything but tha-- Nail polish?! [Leif's toenails and his shoes are now clean and polished] You sick little monster, face my morning breath!

[Leif inhales deeply and then exhales her foul breath, making Lexx gag and pukes offscreen. Lexx wipes his mouth]

Lexx: You, miss, could use some dental hygiene! [pulls out a toothbrush and toothpaste]

Leif: Who, me? My teeth are fine, see? [shows his teeth are nasty and decaying]

Lexx: A little toothpaste, and you'll have teeth like mine. [shows Lexx's pearly white teeth. Leif screams and runs away, with Lexx jumping on him and brushes his teeth] You got to brush in little circles! [laughs]

Leif: [throws him off] Minty fresh! Taste pit, evildoer! [Leif armpit hairs fly out to grab Lexx and rub him on Leif's armpit, getting Lexx's face very filthy]

Lexx: You are a stinky, stinky plumber. I think you could use a shot of... this! [pulls out deodorant spray]

Leif: No! No, not...not deodorant! [Lexx sprays the can. Leif screams and runs away, but the spray kills his hairs and the smell. He sniffs her armpit] My beautiful pit stink, it's gone! The gloves are off now. It's booger time!

Lexx: [scoff] Oh, please! You wouldn't dare.

Leif: Oh, yeah? [Leif shows his finger. Lexx gasps, and Leif picks his nose]

Lexx: [screams] Booger! [he runs to Lina's Table, with Leif behind her] Run, everyone! Leif is digging for gold! [they run into the kitchen]

Lynette: Gold? [runs into the kitchen to find the gold, but comes out in disgust]

Linka: Did you get any of Leif's "gold"?

Lynette: He's not digging for any kind of gold I'm looking for.

[cuts to the kitchen]

Leif: Aha! I got you now!

Lexx: [looks around and sees a knife and two onions] Careful, Leif, I got a weapon! [throws the two onions at Leif's eyes]

Leif: [screams] Raw onions?! [starts crying] That does it! [picks up a candy cake (what Lexx made in the episode No Spoiler)] See this?

Lexx: A candy cake? What are you going to do, eat it?

Leif: Oh, I'm not going to eat it. [Leif takes of his shoes, pulls the cake apart and puts them on her feet]

Lexx: No, not cake socks!

Leif: That's right, your precious cakes on my stinky feet! [starts stomping around]

Lexx: You better stop that!

Leif: [laughs] Stinky, little feet! [stomps and hops around]

Lexx: [getting mad] You stop that right now! [He turns red and inflates madily]

Leif: Holy... [Lexx blows up and sends Leif flying] ...Moley! [he lands in a dumpster and gets out all dirty] Hey, I got my filth back!

Leif: Not for long, Mister Sticky-Pants! You won't have your filth once I use this on you! [shows a soap bar, puts it in a water blaster, and then shakes it till it's nice and mixed]

Leif: [terrified] No, not soap! You wouldn't dare!

Lexx: Try me.

Leif: [lifts up a trash can] Stay back, I'll do it!

Lexx: It's too late for that! [he fires the blaster, sending a stream of soapy water at Leif, while Leif throws the trash can at Lexx. Leif is hit by the blast, and Lexx laughs in victory, only to have the trash can fall on him]

Leif: [now clean] My beautiful filth. It's gone. I'm squeaky clean!

Lexx: [climbs out of the trash can and is all filthy] Ah! I'm covered in muck and scum! Gross!

Leif: Man, to get my filth back, I'll have to wallow in mud forever!

Lexx: It'll take weeks for me to get clean. I'll need twenty baths a day!

Leif: Slather toe jam on my armpits?

Lexx: I'll have to disinfect my hair!

Leif: Smear slime on my teeth?

Lexx: And dry-clean my crown!

[They think for a minute and then they giggle happily]

Both: All right!

Lexx: Now that I'm filthy, I can spend all day getting clean.

Leif: And since I'm clean, I can get even filthier! Thanks, Leif! [shakes hands]

Lexx: No, Leif, thank you.

Both: [they hug] You're the greatest brother ever!

Steven: Hey, what's going on here? This battle isn't over until we have a winner.

Lexx: [philosophically] Fret not, my friend, for I have learned the truth. It matters not whether one is dirty or clean, for can cleanliness exist without filthiness, and would we know filthiness without cleanliness? We must not re-enact the history that divides us, rather we must embrace that which draws us together. All must be free to choose their own path. Right, twin brother Leif?

Leif: Squeaky clean, squeaky, it's squeaky. [rubs his arms as they make squeaky sounds]

Lexx: [nods] Mm-hmm, he has embraced the truth.

Steven: Wow, I think this kid has taught us a valuable lesson.

Lexx: And what is that, friend?

Steven: That re-enacting battles is lame. [talks to the other guys] Come on, guys, let's play something more manly, like football!

Boy Jordan: Or hockey!

Monty: Or knitting fluffy sweaters!

[All pause, and then run off, cheering]

Lexx: Come, Leif, my work here is done. [walks off into the sunset, with Leif still rubbing his arms]